Delayed Reaction

I AM SINGLE.
Some of you may have surmised it, others I may have told and some of you may be shocked. But yes the BF (hence forth X or BC or Josh, depending on context and my mood) are no longer together. At all. In anyway. [but hes probably still a good accountant if not better... , thre I go being nice again, that always gets me in trouble]

I didn’t want to write about it for a few reasons, one being that he reads this blog, the next that I am not one for airing dirty laundry or getting that personal and lastly because I really didn’t have my head around it enough to write about it.

Now I am not saying I have my head around it now, but I think its healthier for me to get it out, than keep it in. No matter how discombobulated it may be. Plus, I could not care less right now about his feelings since he obviously cares not for mine.. this is the time to be selfish and heal, and gosh darn it I am going to!

To start, we are trying to be friends. The logic being that we started as friends we should be able to be friends after. HOOEY! Yeah you read it right. No way, no how, not gonna happen. We can try, but not gonna happen.

I have had three serious to this level relationships in my life. Josh, Marc and Nancy.
Now Nancy and I do not speak Never. I credit this to him 100% and as hard as it was, he was the smarter one. Cold turkey, the way to go.

Now Marc and I are friends now. But we didn’t start off that way. My memory is very very bad about it, but from my recollection ( oh yeah and Lish, if this makes you uncomfortable I am really really sorry, that was not the intention) and I am sure he will correct me, we broke up and got back together a few times. And I don’t really remember how or why or when but it ended. And not well I think. I being me, thought his parents hated me and of course missed him terribly. Then he got a new GF and we ended up at the same college. And I promise I stayed away from her, but I really think she was psycho and pretty much made my life unfun. Then I think Marc went to Israel. He came back, and asked to meet up. He apologized, I accepted and we are now friends. The important part of this was that I had time to heal, and I knew I wasn’t alone. Meaning he wasn’t too happy that we broke up. I knew we had to move on and that was ok, but knowing you are not the only X from the relationship to feel bad helps.

I called him today. It did not go well. I was looking to see if I was the only one having these totally normal thoughts. Yeah, turns out I am. Mr X totally fine. No cares in the world. I was fine… now I am not. His attitude just made me more depressed... how bad is that?

I started thinking about him more, and having dreams of him coming back to me.
Now do not get me wrong, I am not waxing poetic wanting him back. It was not all good and it’s over and that was right. But how and when and why and how (yeah the how is important) suck. What is worse is that he doesn’t care!

What really got me going is that someone we both know is probably going to get engaged soon. And I am 100% totally happy for them. While still being sad, annoyed and hurt. Now a good combo. So the call today, not helpful.

I need to date, but I cant bring myself to do it. And not because I am comparing people to him. Because I believe every relationship is to learn from, and boy did I learn. I learned about myself, about him and about what I want and need.

The question is how long do I give myself? And why cant I remember how long it took me to get over Nancy? That would be helpful info…

Thanks for the vent… I hope I didn’t offend or hurt anyone.

That’s a lie, but I hope I didn’t offend or hurt most of you, I am pretty upset, so I hope some of you become upset or at least some kind of emotion over this. Because frankly, the stoic strong thing just makes me cry more…


**if this didn’t make sense blame it on the hormones.