And I cant get a job???

My friend recently switched jobs. In his new job he needs to hire a secretary.
Today he shared some inetresting stories with me, they made me chuckle, so I am passing on the good cheer...

Nuff: funny thing...
Me: yes
Nuff: i'm looking through resumes for a secretary, i have one from someone who used to practice holistic medicine...
Nuff: under skills she listed: "performed colonic irrigations"
Nuff: not sure why that would come in handy for this job
Me: lol
Me: why does she want it?
Nuff: no idea
Me: it was prob a skill of holisitc medicine
Me: what else has she done?
Nuff: im sure
Nuff: cleaning rectums was the most intriguing thing on her resume
Me: oh wow
Me: anything else remotely secretarial ?
Nuff: nothing special
Me: It may come in handy if she has to deal with Real Estate crap....

And another...
Nuff: whoa!, i got another for you
Me: well then hit me
Nuff: Martha Beary - 31 and beautiful. I am definitely in my prime, it feels good.
Nuff: first paragraph of a cover letter
Me: no way
Nuff: and the resume isnt bad at all
Me: for the sec job?
Nuff: yeah

And magically I still am unemployed???